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Living With Bipolar Disorder by Ron Goodlad
I was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder in 1997. Your emotional reactions come partially from the reception in the brain of certain chemicals. An imbalance in these chemicals or their receptors can cause the reaction to events that often are socially improper. Bipolar disorder’s symptoms include cycling between manic episodes, then through normal periods and finally to deep depressive episodes. Manic episodes have periods of decreased sleep (in my case I go for weeks with two or less hours sleep per night), grandiose and unrealistic plans, fast speech, often with poor judgment and periods of extreme excitement. Bipolar disorder, and all mental illnesses, are the result of a medical condition and are not just a matter of changing attitudes or developing more faith. Typically symptoms show after a significantly stressful event. My own symptoms became critical a few months after the death of my father. I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1, which means I tend to go to both extremes, and tend to stay towards the manic side. Bipolar type 2 tends be less extreme, and tends more towards the depressive side. There are also other less common forms of bipolar disorder, such as BP 3 and mixed states.
Although diagnosis did not come until my mid-40's, we can trace my original symptoms back to my turbulent teen years. Before then I had always enjoyed a good relationship with my parents and the Lord. At thirteen, though, all that changed. I was suddenly driven to ever greater excitement. I couldn’t be in the room with my parents without ending up yelling and storming out of the room. My grades cycled between very low and very high. I could get a “D” and then an “A” in different semesters of the same class. In my first college semester I managed a 0.00 grade point average because school just didn’t offer the excitement I was looking for during that semester.
When I began driving, the push for excitement moved to behind the wheel. I was constantly street racing and taking ever faster trips on the freeways and country roads. Many times the speeds were in excess of 100 mph. I began collecting tickets for my extreme driving until at 18 my license was cancelled, requiring that I apply for a new one once the time requirement had passed.
Then just as suddenly as it had started, I cycled back into normal and my relationships with my parents and the Lord were mended. A year later, at 19, I was called to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) in the Delaware-Maryland Mission. I served honorably, although the stress of the mission caused some minor mood swings.
When I returned to school after my mission I was driven to my studies. However, my first symptoms of self-injury began to surface during college. I would often hit things with the intent of hurting myself, and even would hit myself over the head until nearly unconscious. Once, after a test that I was disappointed in, I went outside and began hitting a brick wall until my knuckles were bleeding and bruised.
I graduated from college with honors, and a 3.85 GPA. During the following years the cycles seemed small by comparison. I would go through periods of depression and others of energy and drive. But they were not extreme mood cycles. Not particularly standing out as having roots in mental illness.
Now move way ahead to 1992 when I was called to serve as a bishop in the Fresno First Ward of the LDS Church. This is roughly equivalent to being a minister to a congregation. The mood swings were not an issue during this period. I also had an executive position with a construction company. I eventually left my job over ethics issues. I was released as bishop a year later, as I had not yet found full employment and the stress of being unemployed while continuing as bishop made it difficult to carry the responsibility. This was in 1995. It was another year before I was fully employed again. Meanwhile my wife had received strong promptings that she should update her teaching credential and return to her previous career as a teacher. All of our children were in school at this point.
The stress of extended unemployment permanently changed me. I had been confident and capable. I came out of this experience unsure of myself and lacking in drive. Even small sources of stress would drop me into depression or mania. A cycle of extreme depression had set in. There were days that only priesthood blessings would enable me to get out of bed and continue. Although the blessings did not completely correct the problem each brought me a few days of relief. Shortly after becoming fully employed again my father died. It was at this point that my behavior became more extreme, and I became less and less capable at work. I finally had to resign my job because of incompetence.
After resigning from the job, a cycle of mania began and I started a hot rod business requiring skills, funding and equipment that I simply did not have. I spent nearly $100,000 trying to make this business work but I was being driven by mania to do something that was completely unrealistic. This left the family in debt over $50,000, mostly on credit cards. I dropped into a black hole of depression with the realization of what I had done to my family.
During this period I pretty much ceased to function. Fortunately Kathy was working, because I simply could not keep a job. I severed myself from the priesthood blessings that had helped me before, seeing myself as unworthy of them. I began considering suicide. I had a large amount of life insurance that would put my family into good financial shape again, with plenty to provide for college and missions for my children. I began to think of suicide as a noble thing to do, sacrificing my eternal possibilities to save my family from the hardship and debt that I had stricken them with. I also again began self-injury in various ways, including beating myself over the head and cutting myself.
One fateful day, I sat down with my wife and discussed with her how I wanted the life insurance proceeds handled. This happened in 1997. She was in front of the family physician the next day to explain the full extent of my symptoms and demand treatment. The two of them decided that the best help for me would come from my being committed to a mental health facility. I was at the facility for two weeks while medications and therapy helped me regain a neutral emotional state again. I was being treated for the extreme clinical depression that was manifesting itself. I began to lift out of the fog. It took several months for the full effect of the medications.
After several months of treatment for the depression I mentioned to my psychiatrist, who was monitoring my medications, that I was still having small cycles of up and down, usually over a two week period. He then diagnosed me as having bipolar disorder. Even at this it took several years to come up with a combination of medications that would give me long term stability, particularly avoiding the manic cycles. Even when a successful combination is developed, my response to the meds will eventually change starting the trial and error process all over again.
The condition of our finances required a bankruptcy in 2000 and foreclosure on the house we could no longer afford. We also gave up our new cars, and their payments, for older ones without payments attached. We knew we would likely never be prosperous again, but hoped we would again enjoy home ownership some day. (In 2005 we purchased a home again.)
Because of the severe emotional condition I was at when treatment began, my capacity for stress was greatly and permanently reduced. Although I tried several times to return to work each attempt resulted in another breakdown. I finally had to accept that I was no longer able to work at the level I had known before the breakdowns. I began a part-time consulting practice. Meanwhile Kathy’s career was successful and she had become a Vice Principal and then a Principal at some local elementary schools.
It was difficult for me to even leave the house. I got confused easily when I would venture out there and it required careful planning to be successful. I had severe anxiety with each trip. Recent changes in meds have helped this problem considerably. I have even decided to venture back into the working world and have accepted employment outside the home. I am now Office Manager for J. B. Travis Construction, Inc.
Mental illness can happen to individuals in all walks of life with varying levels of church and career experience. There are several factors that have enabled me to stabilize over the time since the breakdowns occurred. My family, especially Kathy, has been supportive of me and recognized my behavior as the result of an illness rather than willfully being irresponsible. (I'm fortunate that I wasn't drop kicked from the front porch in the middle of all this.) I have learned to recognize limits and stressors, and live within those boundaries. I have a deep faith in God, and believe that whatever I am given to deal with in this life, with His help I can do so successfully. I have received numerous priesthood blessings that have always comforted me and given me the capability of continuing through the rough spots. I have friends who have extended the desire for understanding. I am extremely grateful for the help and blessings of life that have enabled the Goodlads to continue.
Some additional insights into mental illness can be found in a talk (to be found by clicking on this link) by Elder Alexander Morrison, an emeritus member of the Quorum of the Seventy of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In it he discusses many myths and truths surrounding mental illness. In particular he discusses ways in which loved ones can be supportive of those with mental illnesses. It is an article well worth reading.
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